Let’s talk about the crazy doctor lady.
One of the many random events that can happen during training is that in a visit to the nurse’s office the player and their trainee will be greeted by a lady with a mask (actually sunglasses, actually called “Miracle Shining Sunglasses”) and a bodycon dress with a white coat.
This woman is Sasami Anshinzawa (安心沢刺々美) and she doesn’t fool anyone. In fact, she’s warned about so often that Haru Urara, a girl that can barely pronounce any words with more than four syllables can pronounce her name perfectly because so many people warn her about Anshinzawa.
Why do they warn them about it? Well, she’s a weirdo that looks like a weirdo trespassing onto a school and wanting to examine all the horsegirls. But just in case you needed extra reasons, she’s not even a licensed doctor, she’s a practicioner of Sasabari (笹針)… in other words, she’s a quack AND a weirdo.
Anshinzawa believes that by tapping into specific pressure points on the girl she could bring some built-in power. This is basically a high risk high reward event for the player where they get four choices.
If you tell her to aim for the pressure point that will make the girl stronger you have about 20% of a chance to have all stats risen by 20. The other 80%? All stats lowered by 15, motivation decreased by three stages (out of five, as a reminder) AND the “insomniac” (-10 energy or -1 motivation at random) condition.
If you aim for the pressure point that will make her better at a race, you have a 50% of earning two skills. Not the hints to buy the skills no, your girl now has two extra skills in her arsenal. The other 50% results in losing 20 energy (out of a default of 100) and two stages of motivation.
Aiming for the point that will make her more energetic has a 70% chance of boosting your max energy by 12, recovering 40 of it, and removing any bad condition. The other 30% is a chance to lose 20 energy, one motivation stage, and for the girl to get the “practice slump” (+2% of failure on training) condition.
Finally, the point that enhances charm has a 90% chance of giving you the “charm” (bonus to bond gauge with support cards) condition, recovers 10 energy, and rises motivation by one stage. The other 10% might cause you to lose one motivation stage and 10 energy however.
You can also just… not choose anything. If you do so, Tazuna finally catches up and you get +10 energy for free. Though in a fun detail, whenever you choose an option you get a follow up “are you really sure????” prompt, and if you back down three times, Tazuna still catches up but you don’t get the extra energy.
Here’s the thing though: Sasabari is a real thing.
Unlike the pseudo acupuncture of the game, Sasabari is an archaic practice often compared to bloodletting. The belief was that the fatigue of a tired horse could be solved by puncturing the skin and letting the “bad blood” out using bamboo needles. As this article handily points out, however, the only thing bloodletting causes is bruises and inflammation as the body seeks to heal the wounds inflicted on it. This is true for humans, it stands to reason that it’s true for horses.
For horse girls though…?
Here’s the funny thing: Aside from trespassing, there’s a strong case to be made that Anshinzawa might be onto something. She expresses that she trespasses because she lacks the horse girl subjects to practice on, can it work on humans though?
Apparently…?
Let me repeat the point above: Anshinzawa is chased by Tazuna. Tazuna has chased many active girls in the game and they all know that running away from Tazuna is useless.
But Anshinzawa can.
Here’s where I reveal to you that she actually has a support card, and it’s one where we finally see her face behind those glasses. Not only that but her support card is almost a parody of regular training, with many of her events simulating staple training events like New Years’, Inheritance, and even the scene where Otonashi Etsuko tells you about how she’s gonna write about you and your girl at the end of it all.
Beyond that however, it’s also revealed that there’s apparently a circuit of other Sasabari practicioners that seek to race to the same level of a horse girl by tapping into their pressure points. During those events she can do the pressure point stuff to your character and she never misses, so clearly there’s a discrepancy with horse girls that she wants to learn about but doesn’t have the means to.
This all paints a picture of someone that would be revolutionary in their field if… they weren’t insane in the membrane.
In fact, we know this for a fact because Sasami has a little sister called Beauty. Beauty Anshinzawa is a fashion designer, unlike her older sister she’s a very public figure, unlike her sister she’s very respected, and unlike her sister she’s… less criminal. Beauty is actually the catalyst behind the June Bride events, where her fashion show is the motivator behind it.
And speaking of family, both Anshinzawas are related to Machan! Kinda.
Sasami and Beauty are voiced by the legendary Kikuko Inoue who I won’t bother introducing because if you don’t know her that’s just your cue to do your homework. But Machan is actually voiced by Kikuko Inoue’s daughter Honoka Inoue.
The funniest comparison, however, is also the most unfortunate one given current events.
Anshinzawa’s character archetype can be easily compared to Dr. Daijobu from the PowerPro series. Dr. Daijobu (ダイジョーブ博士) is a mad scientist that recommends the main character “reconstructive surgery” in order to improve his skills. He’s also someone that has the noble goal of furthering a science while being unaware of all his felonies.
And why is it unfortunate?
Well, it’s not like Cygames announced Konami was suing them for Uma Musume infringing on patents they made for PowerPro or anything…
At least you can’t patent character archetypes.